Marley's World Part 2

There I was minding my own business when "she" and her friend came bursting into the house. "She" gave off this most annoying sound when she first saw me.  It was then that I learned that "Justin" was the name for the Tall one with the warm tummy. Justin called this squeaky being "Ruthie". She was the same one he referred to as "mommy"

She squeezed and pulled my ears and made noises all over me. It was most alarming.  She also  started scrubbing floors and cleaning. I've already marked my place in this house, how dare she erase the scent I've spread around the place! So of course I tried to make up for what she messed up as soon as possible, but she grabbed me and flung me outside in the cold before I made my deposit on the living room floor. Why, I've never encountered anybody so cruel in my life!

Ooh my days of lying in bed with Justin were numbered. They suddenly came home one day with this huge and ugly contraption that's supposed to be my bed! They locked me in there all night long no matter how much I whined and cried. Justin! How could you let her do this to me!!!

One good thing happened since she's been here though. They gave me some really good slushy wet food. I was so upset with all the changes that I ate my feelings. My stomach got so big I could barely walk. Oh boy, was I gonna pay for eating too much. I started "going" accidentally in my bed. The world started getting all blurry and slow. I started feeling weak no matter what the evil Ruthie fed me. And when I thought things were getting better she brings me to this place where they stick needles into you!

I believed I was doomed to have a miserable life!! But I guess those needles worked, because I suddenly didn't feel so bad anymore.

As soon as I was feeling better, this Ruthie started taking me outside more. She kept pulling me along into the grass saying "Marley, go poop!" . I had no idea what she meant until she started giving me snacks after I made my deposit outside of home. Ah so that's what she meant all along! Why keep myself in that small space of an apartment when I can mark the whole outside world as mine!!! Mine, mine!!! Wahahaha. This Ruthie isn't that bad after all. 

We started getting along more. I realized how much I have her wrapped around my cute little paws. All I needed to do was nose around her and she would pick me up and give me scratches and massages. If I was lucky I would get a good snack just for following her around the house! 

Ah this is the life. So this is what a Mommy is like.

I however, have enemies in the household. I could never get any attention  when the Tall ones were facing this flat white colorful screen.  It had its cousins too. Two smaller flat colorful screens. I was surrounded. It was always guaranteed that if Justin or Ruthie sat in front of these things , I would be left alone bored for hours. I then carefully planned my attack. 

They were fast asleep. They trusted me enough for some reason not to be locked inside my bed. Hehe foolish move on their part. I made my way around the apartment, thankful for my super power gift of night vision. There it is! I new as soon as that white line connected to it was severed, the flat screens won't have any life anymore. I managed to grab and munch on these lines all night long. I kept at it till the flat screens didn't have any more light or life emanating from them. Success! Or so I thought.

Oh was in for in it the next day. Justin smacked me several times. Ruthie smacked me several times. But I knew this would just be for a moment. True enough things calmed down within the day. I was bidding my time for when I get to the others. They haven't been careless to let me loose at night lately. They protected my enemies. I've been betrayed!!!

Someday, I will get them all.

***tzusuku...er to be continued...

My Weight Issue

I try to pretend it isn't but yes it is an issue. I have never felt so ugly and repulsive in my life. There is nothing more depressing than that double chin hanging out when you think you're giving a sexy smile. That huge ham like arm when you wear t-shirts is just downright disgusting. Of course don't forget about the huge belly pinched and displayed by you're once best pair of jeans. None of the pretty clothes I own look good on me. Yes I may look cute at one angle, but the over all outcome is just ...YUCK! Oh I'm not indulging in self pity. If you are one of those nicely shaped people and you notice the weight situation in others, I'm pretty sure there is a tiny impulse there. The "eww" impulse.

Oh yeah was I smug as a skunk when I had that Judo-trained body 4 years ago. I could slip into anything and look good. It didn't matter  that I had tons of acne, braces that made my breath stink, almost skeletal facial features than I never thought was that healthy. I sense people admiring my muscle tone and I loved it. Forget that I was a hag haha. (Now that is self-pity right there*smack*)

After college, I filled up a little and developed some ass and chubbier cheeks. That was even better. My braces were taken off. For once, my pearly whites had a nice face to be set against. Sadly the acne was still there, but who cares. This is the stage when I nabbed a husband. Ah those were the days.

Nowadays I would be watching something and notice how such simple clothes can look so good on a thin person. And when I say thin I mean early 2000 Angelina Jolie thin. My husband is getting tired of my frustrated exclamation. "I wish I was thin and pretty so I can wear all that pretty stuff!"

Don't get me wrong. I'm not wanting to look good so I can attract some extra action. It is clear to me that how I look is directly related to I feel about myself. That feeling is very much related to how I feel about other people and the world. I wouldn't call this desire to be vanity. I would call it, an attraction to beauty. I'm not talking about media produced beauty either. I'm attracted to something that is just so perfect, so right that it makes your heart ache. 

I know and it also obvious to others that what I have now is wrong. This is not how God wants me to be. So I'm going to bother some simple phrases used in the multi-million dollar US weight loss industry. "Do something about it! Get those college jeans to fit you again!".

They are all the same of course. Sooner or later you would realize you wasted your time and money. You will see it in every disclaimer,  term and agreement or warning that the program would not work if you are not helping yourself. People like me who have tried and failed a number of times are getting frustrated, insecure, and insipid in the mean time. 

I'm pretty sure I'm not the only poor soul coping with this problem. I refuse to believe that I am alone in this! In fact the majority of women in my age bracket are probably in the same exact situation. We are alarmed by all this weight and frustrated. We are battling between our vanities and desire to be true to ourselves. I know the world is as harsh to the overweight as much as I am harsh to myself about it. That's the saddest part.

So how do I deal with this? There is no easy answer. Sorry Denise Austin and Dr. Atkins. Your diets and exercise routines are not as holistic as you think they are. The answer will only come from my own heart, mind and  soul. Brooding about it might help extract some of that God give wisdom. I know its in here somewhere, buried in all that fat hehe.

Marley's World Part 1

I don't really understand how I ended up in this home. The first memories I have of my master and mistress was of this soft resilient bed they laid me on. It was so comfortable I ended up sleeping in it for awhile. I later realized it was my soon-to-be-master's warm tummy I was lying on.

It was so confusing when I was pulled away from those other furry creatures who looked like me. I no longer had that "milk" the Tall ones call, readily available from mother. In fact the last few days I tried to have some, she didn't want to give me anymore. She was so cruel!

The Tall one with the warm tummy took me to his "home". I was hoping for "milk" but he gave me some hard and crunchy stuff to feed on. It took a lot of getting used to. After awhile, the crunchies weren't so bad. They actually tasted really good.  It seemed I was expected to sleep in this brown box that was so unfamiliar. I wasn't going to have that. I whined and cried and made as much noise possible until the Tall one with the warm tummy came and picked me up to sleep next to him. 

Perfect. This scent I could get used to. This warmth I would enjoy for as long as I can. Maybe whining and crying can get this Tall one wrapped around my cute little paws. That's what I thought

However, Tall one with the warm tummy left me alone a lot. That wasn't fun. I knew he wasn't inside the  place he called "home". He would be gone for hours and hours. I took comfort in the scent he left behind. The strongest of his scent came from this dark closet with soft folded things he called "boxer shorts" and "socks". I wish he would leave me more crunchies.

At one point , Tall one with the warm tummy picked me up to face this bright flat thing that had another Tall one inside it. He would push my sleepy face on it and say, "Marley, there's mommy!". It's all so confusing.

First of all, who is this "Marley"? Second, what the hell is a "mommy"? I started to realize that this "Marley" seem to refer to me.  Whenever Tall one with the warm tummy would say it loudly, it's usually when I had one of his boxer shorts and socks in my mouth. I thought at first that "Marley" meant that I was in for a smack in the head. But later on he would also use it when my crunchies  were ready.

I was always curious about what this "mommy" was. I had no idea I was in for a horrifying experience.

...to be continued.

Nature Walk

I had to get out of the house after being stuck indoors for two whole days. Spring is pretty but I hate the unpredictability of the weather. The rainy days affected my mood so much  that I fell into brooding about my life. That wasn't good. Brooding usually gets me to notice all my annoying characteristics.  So annoying that I'm not even going to share. 

So I decided to leave my dog Marley to Yoshi, his German Shepherd/Husky babysitter, and go for a walk. If I had the energy maybe some jogging. 

And boy did I walk.

As soon as hit the path I put on my music. (It's illegal to have headphones on in Germany if you walk around streets where cars and bicycles may happen by). The place was deserted.  I could already smell the manure from the potato fields. I welcomed all of this. I had no idea how much I was craving this short freedom that was just a 5 minute walk from home.

The music pumped me enough to go sprinting through the path. I felt like I was flying. For about a full 30 seconds I didn't feel that expected tightening of the lungs from the sheer effort of running that fast. Thank God I was alone because I started laughing a little crazily as I slowed down. Who would have thought sprinting would feel that good. You all would probably think I was on some kind of drug.

Then it began. Endorphins kicked in and my senses were suddenly overwhelmed with everything. I wish I had a camera then. No I wish I had the talent to photograph the experience I was having. I wish I could sing. That's easy. What I really wanted was the guts to write poetry or make a song. I really really wished at that point that I could extract from this reality, save it in some form and share it. I am neither skilled or talented to do anything about it. Here I am trying to write about it but I don't think I'm putting it across the way I really want to.

Anyone walking through the same area would have thought it plain. Its just a bunch of weeds and fields. It's just evergreen stumps near rows and rows of green. Normally, I would have been annoyed with the bugs smacking into my face as I walk by.

But the cool wind felt really good on my face. The weeds and dandelions looked so pretty together. The silence of trees and the fields spoke to me. I started wishing my legs didn't get tired so easily. I wish I didn't have to turn back. I could have gone further. The path seemed endless. But typical worries started to plague me. What if I get lost? What if some animal comes blundering by and I get injured? What if it rains? 

I saw another woman walking the same path towards me with her dog.  I thought to myself "no not yet" I didn't want to walk back to my life yet. But I could already feel it. The heavy pull of daily concerns and responsibility. I had to leave this peaceful place. Maybe, I thought, I can come back tomorrow. 

I picked up my dog, had coffee with my landlord, and made my way home. I wondered if a rainy day tomorrow would not be so bad after all. It has, after all pushed me enough to experience something more  from something so ordinary as a nature walk. Maybe brooding wasn't so bad after all. I realized how much I enjoy it. That's probably why I had so many annoying characteristics. It is so I can brood and be unhappy. It is so I can go experience normal things in a different light and appreciate it. Man, am I lucky.