My Weight Issue

I try to pretend it isn't but yes it is an issue. I have never felt so ugly and repulsive in my life. There is nothing more depressing than that double chin hanging out when you think you're giving a sexy smile. That huge ham like arm when you wear t-shirts is just downright disgusting. Of course don't forget about the huge belly pinched and displayed by you're once best pair of jeans. None of the pretty clothes I own look good on me. Yes I may look cute at one angle, but the over all outcome is just ...YUCK! Oh I'm not indulging in self pity. If you are one of those nicely shaped people and you notice the weight situation in others, I'm pretty sure there is a tiny impulse there. The "eww" impulse.

Oh yeah was I smug as a skunk when I had that Judo-trained body 4 years ago. I could slip into anything and look good. It didn't matter  that I had tons of acne, braces that made my breath stink, almost skeletal facial features than I never thought was that healthy. I sense people admiring my muscle tone and I loved it. Forget that I was a hag haha. (Now that is self-pity right there*smack*)

After college, I filled up a little and developed some ass and chubbier cheeks. That was even better. My braces were taken off. For once, my pearly whites had a nice face to be set against. Sadly the acne was still there, but who cares. This is the stage when I nabbed a husband. Ah those were the days.

Nowadays I would be watching something and notice how such simple clothes can look so good on a thin person. And when I say thin I mean early 2000 Angelina Jolie thin. My husband is getting tired of my frustrated exclamation. "I wish I was thin and pretty so I can wear all that pretty stuff!"

Don't get me wrong. I'm not wanting to look good so I can attract some extra action. It is clear to me that how I look is directly related to I feel about myself. That feeling is very much related to how I feel about other people and the world. I wouldn't call this desire to be vanity. I would call it, an attraction to beauty. I'm not talking about media produced beauty either. I'm attracted to something that is just so perfect, so right that it makes your heart ache. 

I know and it also obvious to others that what I have now is wrong. This is not how God wants me to be. So I'm going to bother some simple phrases used in the multi-million dollar US weight loss industry. "Do something about it! Get those college jeans to fit you again!".

They are all the same of course. Sooner or later you would realize you wasted your time and money. You will see it in every disclaimer,  term and agreement or warning that the program would not work if you are not helping yourself. People like me who have tried and failed a number of times are getting frustrated, insecure, and insipid in the mean time. 

I'm pretty sure I'm not the only poor soul coping with this problem. I refuse to believe that I am alone in this! In fact the majority of women in my age bracket are probably in the same exact situation. We are alarmed by all this weight and frustrated. We are battling between our vanities and desire to be true to ourselves. I know the world is as harsh to the overweight as much as I am harsh to myself about it. That's the saddest part.

So how do I deal with this? There is no easy answer. Sorry Denise Austin and Dr. Atkins. Your diets and exercise routines are not as holistic as you think they are. The answer will only come from my own heart, mind and  soul. Brooding about it might help extract some of that God give wisdom. I know its in here somewhere, buried in all that fat hehe.